Can I Live?

What If? . . .

Going to school 14 credit hours. Freshman, constantly being targeted and labeled as the usual stereotype. Fingers pointing, gossip, and professors shaking their heads. Falling under a statistic of an African American female. Random trips to the ladies room for the *butterfly in my tummy.* Throwing up. .Scared to eat due to the terrible consequences. The non-stop worrying about what our future will hold. Tired, although I have been sleep all night and half the day. Working 40 hours a week knowing that my brain is not fully there. The constant battle between my clothes and I. Bra is too small and pants won't zip. Back pain, chest hurts, and feet are soar. 9 months of stress, discomforts, and regrets.

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Life?

          WHO?                                    WHO?

                                 WHO?                                         WHO?

WHO HAS THE POWER TO SAY WHO DESERVES TO LIVE?

MY BABY. MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIFT. DO MOMMY WANT TO GIVE YOU A NON-PROMISING GOOD LIFE? OR NOT RISK IT AT ALL? BABY JUST UNDERSTAND. I AM ONLY 18. I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I'M SORRY YOUR BEING PUNISHED FOR IT. TRUST ME, I CAN'T GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU WANT AND NEED. TRUE, ADOPTION IS AN ANSWER. WELFARE? WIC? THOSE ARE OPTIONS BUT MOMMY IS SCARED. I DON'T WANT TO RAISE YOU LIKE THIS. BABY YOUR DADDY ISN'T EVEN PROMISING. HE MIGHT GET SCARED AND RUN OFF. WHAT IF HE LEAVES US AFTER YOU ARE HERE? I DON'T WANT YOU TO SUFFER FROM A BROKEN FAMILY LIKE ME. WHAT IF I DON'T FIND A REPLACEMENT? IT WILL JUST BE YOU AND ME. ME AND YOU. 





PICTURE THIS BABY.

Mommy finishes school. Graduate on top. Successful. Making mucho money. hanging out with my friends. Partyinjg. No kids, no stress, no responsibilites. Living Free. Doing things the right way. Faliing in love. Then getting married. Then having you siblings. Baby, can mommy live?

Anything is possible baby but do you know how hard it will be for mommy? Going to school, trying to provide a good life for you. My life will be devoted to you. i might not have lived like I wanted to but baby your life . . . you can do anything. you can be anything. Mommy will give you whatever you need. How could someone be so selfish? I would miss your little face, You gripping my fingers for the first time. Your first step. Your first time saying "ma ma." You graduating from preschool, then elementary, then middle, highschool, then college.

The ? here is baby is "To be or not to be."

I wish Iwould have let you be . . . .